Bon Jovi fans have their own unique language

1373481_10202447319528380_329915969_nThe New Jersey rock legends Bon Jovi have staved off music industry irrelevance by continuing to put out good music and tour on a regular basis.

With over thirty years of experience tucked under their belts, an adoring fan base that spans the globe has come up with their very own unique code—a Jovi Lingo—with which to describe various characteristics of the objects of their affection.

For the uninitiated, navigating Jovilinguistics can be a frustrating and daunting task.

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Whether you are a first-time or long-time fan, understanding the lingo is essential to appreciating the entire Bon Jovi experience.

Here then without further adieu is the Language of Jovi:

BonJovism: the unique language spoken by fans around the world.

OBWanBonJovi: A take on Star Wars Jedi Knight OB1Kinobe, this refers to Jon Bon Jovi’s prowess wielding his legendary white mic stand.

Rain or shine the blue-eyed bandmaster can be seen pointing it at guitarist Richie Sambora like a light saber, or holding it aloft the women warming the circle like a pirhana pool, like some mythical extension of his munchable unmentionables.

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Jovigasm: this term describes the shameless lust that washes over any female fan sitting within the first 15 rows at a concert, or those glued to photos and videos on the Internet, deliriously shivering like a cold Chihuahua or erupting like Mount Saint Helens at the sight of their favorite (band) member.

It’s a condition often evidenced by incoherent babbling, spontaneous shimmying with eyes rolling up in the head, and a wet trail left on the arena floor.

BonJoviPalooza: term that describes the convergence of female fans on a city or town where the band is playing and making a weekend of it.

Often associated with JBJ Backstage Fan Club VIP Travel Excursions it includes heavy drinking, staking out the hotel bar where the band is rumored to be staying, and much crying when the hotel mini-bar is empty and credit cards denied.

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Commando: a term that is known to keep women up at night and reduce the global inventory of “AA” batteries, it is slang for when JBJ comes out on stage in skin tight pants that flaunt what his Mama gave him.

And no the song Army Of One is not about Jon’s pecker.

Stinkeye: the dreaded look that Richie or his fellow band-mates fear; usually in response to a musical faux pas like Richie muffing the guitar solo onWanted Dead Or Alive; also directed at interviewers asking questions that are stupid as spit.

HRH: a Twitter nickname that refers to Jon Bon as His Royal Highness , an acronym that refers to his regal countenance, impressive ego and ceaseless authority as Keeper of the Jovi.

The CEO: this is the nickname Richie Sambora fans have annointed Jon Bon Jovi with since he is not only the front-man of a band but also the face of a brand.

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Kool Aid Drinker: refers to the kind of Bon Jovi fan who thinks no one in the band can ever do anything wrong and will make you pay for saying anything negative about them on social media or JBJ Backstage discussion boards.

Many are applying to the U.N. for admission as their own country.

BonJoviPottamus: they’re quietly observant but always ready to pounce.

Known to barge the line at the lobby merchandise table selling Bon Jovi knickknacks, memorabilia and t-shirts, their mouths are loud and their elbows painful.

Often charge from beyond the fifteenth row, taking a poor unsuspecting soul’s seat in the VIP section.

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BonJoviBaJesus: refers to the whispered or guttural sound emitted by female fans when they see Jon first appear onstage, or see a photo of him sunning his buns in St. Bart’s, as in, “Oh my bejesus!”

Fan Fictionistas: the legion of lady fans who write erotica around characters strongly resembling band members.

Talented and imaginative, their specialty is writing scenarios in which they make band members engage in every tryst from “50 Shades of Gray”.

BonJersey: the re-naming of the state of New Jersey to reflect the true fan’s sense of geography while promoting rock tourism.

JoviHolic: an insidious addiction that is a permanent disease and takes more than a shot and still has no remedy.

Often involves downloading every Bon Jovi pic found in a Google search, and selling all valuables to attend shows across the globe.

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JoviTopia: the idyllic fantasyland frozen in time where big hair, spandex and the smell of leather jackets sets the tone for hardcore Jovi Lovers wherein Jon and Richie are amusement park rides, Tico is the conductor of the Little Rock Band that could sky mover and keyboardist David Bryan serenades the strolling masses with his accordion while a trained monkey throws guitar pics at the maddening crowd.

LaFamigliaJovi: the name used to describe all of the wives and children that have seemingly sprung from the rocker’s well-toned loins on Twitter and Facebook.

From Mrs. DulceSambora to JonBonsBiatch all the way to TicosTemptress and Davids Diva it’s all about the family.

JoviNation: the all-encompassing term used to describe Bon Jovi fans worldwide. Once in, you’re a permanent card-carrying member, even IF you get better seats than your best friend. Like the Mafia, you’re in for life.

Bonjoviologist: modern day rock archaeologists specializing in the discovery and documentation of prized Bon Jovi artifacts.

Alone or in packs they seek prized memorabilia from gold records to guitar pics, hair spray cans to tasseled boots and even yellowed white spandex zebra pants.

Bonjovitinis: stadium-sized drinks pounded down by adoring fans in the hotel bar while scoping out the best elevator vantage points and lobby cubbyholes with which to spring out with camera and cleavage.

JoviHo: they number in the millions, are fiercely loyal and are often delirious.

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Their passion tends to overpower their sense of reasoning which often results in wanton displays of their most recent Victoria Secret purchases in concert; and, they are responsible for recruiting and training several generations of sister fans.

Also known as Bon Jovi’s secret weapon: without them the band would have hung it up long ago.

Be sure to find Glenn Osrin on Facebook and on twitter @wizardofosrin

3 Responses to “Bon Jovi fans have their own unique language”

  1. Think the article is good, but it is very hard to read with the color of the font so couldn’t read to the end. If it was just darker on the white would be better

    • Hi Karen, thanks for your honesty. I’m new to blogging and am still learning WordPress. The best I can do right now without changing the layout of the entire page—which I happen to like—is try to make the fonts larger. I’ll do my best. Thanks for reading!

  2. Once again you hit it right on the money! Welcome to JoviNation!

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